This past weekend was kind of crazy and emotional for me. As you may know from my emails, last week I officially married my business and it took my name, so we are hitched. This has been incredibly empowering but also required a fair amount of stepping into my fear. Fear doesn’t always just go away. Sometimes, it changes forms, ebbs and flows. I’ve had to hang out in my fear a bit, which can be harder than just the act of stepping in. What I have come to realize, however, is that fear is our best laser pointer. It tells us with incredible precision where we should be heading and what our next step is.
I attended another conference this weekend. Yes, I am a self-help junkie, what can I say? During the conference, we broached the topic of “permission.” The speaker asked us to ask ourselves a question.
Who’s permission are you waiting for?
Now this question can be applied to so many things. Who’s permission are you waiting for to make yourself a priority? To lose weight? To explore your spirituality? Your sexuality? To decide to accept yourself?
For me…the question resonated with my business.
Who’s permission was I waiting for to go full out with this? To start to make my BIG vision a reality?
In many ways, I have already started the process of playing full out. Operating under my name was one way I made the declaration, but I realized I was partially still going through the motions. Something was still holding me back.
I realized in that moment that I was still waiting for one very specific person to tell me it was okay.
As you may know, I have been an actor for a long time now. I have had many mentors along the way, who have believed in me and who have taken big risks on me. There is one mentor who I hold in super special regard. She handpicked me for my MFA program and I have studied with her for many years. I can honestly say, without being dramatic, that she has fundamentally changed my relationship with the world.
I came under her tutelage wanting to learn how to act. She taught me how to disarm my heart. In a way, she taught me how to live in color. She taught me how to trust myself. She quite literally taught me how to fly.
I realized I had been waiting for her permission to step into the unknown with my acting, to step into this new light and that I very much feared her judgment and disappointment. I feared she would shrug her shoulders and give up on me, that she would think I failed.
Synchronistically, as I was having this realization, this mentor emailed me to tell me how much she enjoyed the emails I have been sending you all and invited me to her home for dinner. Um, hello universe.
That night, over wine, I stood in my vulnerability and spoke my truth. I won’t lie, I got a little emotional. I told her I realized my purpose is is to move people, to help them have a visceral experience in their bodies, in their lives and to help them to fall deeper in love with the human condition and with themselves. I told her I realized I could do that in many ways; as an actor, as a coach, as a friend, as a speaker, simply as a person inhabiting space on this earth. In order to have everything I wanted, I had to leave a version of my acting dream behind.
I told her that my experience pursuing acting felt like walking through peanut butter. Pursuing my new vision felt like being onstage. It felt like flying.
We had a moment. She already knew and she helped to release me from any residual fear I held.
I realized in that moment that it wasn’t her permission I was seeking. It was my own. I was seeking my own permission to let go of the vision I held so tightly to for so long. I was asking myself for permission to let it go.
It hurt to let that version of my dream go but that night was a turning point for me. The next day, I invested more money in my business and myself than I ever have. I gave myself permission to play full out because my last excuse was gone.
So, as I write this in a coffee shop, still feeling some fresh tears come, I want to ask you.
Who’s permission are YOU waiting for to play full out?
Who’s vision of your life are you trying to fulfill?
Where do you feel like you are walking through peanut butter instead of flying?
Who is holding your “can’t” card?
If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?
Please leave your insights by writing them below. Keep the conversation going. We are all in this together.
Rock On and Be Well,