Last week, I shared some big life news on my first Facebook Live video and it got such a big response, I thought my tribe could benefit too.
Even the act of taping a Facebook video for me was kind of ground-breaking! Of course, I wanted it to be perfect and professional and know exactly what I was going to say, but while the baby was napping, while I had a sweaty tank top on, un-brushed hair and a wrecked apartment behind me (you will learn why in a bit), a voice in me said “It needs to happen now Beth.” I have learned to start to listen to that voice, because when I hear her speak, it always astonishes me how clear her truth is. I know I have cut through fear and that I am tuned into a deeply authentic, loving and powerful presence.
The last time I heard this voice she told me what my mission in life is (yes, so that happened). I almost couldn’t believe what she said but started crying as soon as I heard it because it felt so, well, true. The time before that she told me I was pregnant (when I had no real reason to believe I was yet) on the C train in Brooklyn. The time before that, mid work-out, she told me that I needed to end a relationship and that I needed to do in that exact instant. I stopped running, I picked up the phone and did so, even though I was shaking.
I guess when I started learning about things like manifesting your visions, about connecting more to love, I kind of thought it wouldn’t ever feel like too much to handle, that it wouldn’t require fear because things would just….flow like a loving, surrendered, rainbow colored stream, with new age music playing and the smell of patchouli in the air. All I would have to do is step into the current and float down the stream.
Here’s what I’m actually learning…
Manifesting is NOT always graceful. It’s not always pretty; rainbows, butterflies, and serenity. Sometimes it can be messy and confusing and wracked with uncertainty. Sometimes manifesting asks us to move through fear, through ego, through gripping. It can be A LOT emotionally. Life may hand us our next best step in ways we didn’t expect before our mind believes it is ready. This can be really threatening to our sense of certainty, control and even survival.
When we are really listening to our higher intelligence, sometimes it tells us things that are really inconvenient to our fear. Our intuition is a master truth teller, and when we recognize their truth, life often hands us opportunities to honor that truth over and over and over again. A lot of times, we turn down these opportunities because fear is screaming so loudly. We know in our deep “knowing” place but the implications of our truth are so threatening to the status quo that we need to turn a blind eye and pretend we didn’t hear anything.
Well, life keeps handing me opportunities to practice what I preach, and these past two weeks have been one of my biggest opportunities to continue to listen to that presence. Let’s call that presence love. I am realizing that I need to be careful what I ask for because it may come rushing in like a glorious freight train. My nails will tell the story. They look like zombie nails, and I have had more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and glasses of wine than I can count this month.
Here’s what went down…
Sidenote: I often journal about the visions I have for myself, describing them in great detail, and allowing myself to really sit in the feelings that surface. I have many instances of finding these descriptions over the years and each time, the hair on the back of my neck stands up, as I realize I got exactly what I said I wanted, without crazy goal setting or metrics or striving. It all worked out in mysterious ways. Teachers appeared, things went wrong, relationships went sour, then new people appeared in their place, workshops surfaced just when I needed them, acting jobs fell through that created the space for better and more beautiful jobs. Sometimes things that seem negative were actually a part of the tapestry of creation. Life had always handed me my next turn, and always let me know (through my emotional life) when I veered off the path.
About a month ago, I found an entry I wrote around January of this year. In it, I dreamed of writing more, of speaking more, of creating products and programs that will have a larger reach, of getting more clear on my message and mission with my work. I dreamed of a break from the way my business currently runs to align in my emerging desires more. I envisioned a back yard for Levi and hardwood floors, lots of light and my own home office to help me feel super serene and professional.. I envisioned my husband feeling super aligned and on purpose with his mission and his job as well.
Well, just around three weeks ago, the earth shifted a bit and my world got rocked.
My husband was offered his dream job in DC and he needed to start asap. He has been commuting to DC in the mean time and in mere days, we are moving! We made the decision around two and a half weeks ago. It is crazy fast. And the decision wasn’t easy. We cried, agonized, ate a lot of crap food, looked at our baby a lot, cried some more, made pros and cons lists, agonized some more. And in the end, when we both got quiet with our intuition, we knew it was right.
That, however, did not stop it from scaring the crap out of me.
Sure, I had sensed a change was coming for a while, that life seasons were turning but I was NOT expecting the change to happen like this. I envisioned a shift happening over years, never really demanding too much of me. I didn’t expect that it would summon me into change so quickly. We have been in New York for most of our adult lives. We have spent the past ten years in this city, finding ourselves, building careers, community and our family. This is the place I feel most at home in the world, and suddenly it felt like I was being ripped from its womb, pushed out and abandoned.
The fear started screaming so loudly I could barely find my footing.
Your entire business will fall apart.
Everything you have worked for will be forgotten.
You will be replaced.
You will be broke. Your business can’t sustain itself in a new city.
You will have no friends.
You will be so lonely.
You won’t be happy there.
You will regret this and resent Josh.
When it came down to it, my certainty, my control and my identity were being screwed with. And my loves, that is a GOOD THING.
It became so clear to me just how attached I am to the role of coach, of teacher, of how I am viewed here and how that identity has solidified in this little bubble of NYC and was actually death choking the possibility of my larger dreams. Once I recognized my attachment and my fear, I was able to slowly let go, bit by bit.
I said I wanted a change, and life was handing me one. It was handing it to me on a silver platter. Did I mention I signed with a literary agent right around this time? Yes, we are currently in the proposal writing stage! The vision was all coming together: a break from the current status quo of my business, changing the way I work (more online and less in person), focusing more on retreats and events, less on lengthy programs. Life was pushing me off the diving board! It was handing me the home I wanted, the neighborhood I wanted, the SPACE I wanted, and the opportunity to start to let go of what was in my business, so I can start to create the new. But because it didn’t come int he packaging I expected, I wanted to reject it, I wanted to push it away and I wanted to punish Josh for being an agent in this change. I wanted to buy more time and cling to what was. I wanted to put the old coat on and climb back down the diving board ladder and THEN crawl back into the womb.
I’m realizing when you ask for a change in your life, when you are courageous enough to listen to that deeper self and start to take your next best step, it may come to you in ways you wouldn’t have chosen or visualized. I really didn’t think my growing personally and professionally would mean a last minute, super scary move where I barely have time to say goodbye to the people I love. I didn’t think it would be accompanied by so much sadness and fear and that my ego would be tested this much, but that is how it is showing up.
And I know that when I trust the current of life, when I trust my intuition, when I trust my partners on this journey (my husband) and the family we have created, I am able to step more into love, and further away from fear.
When I ask love what it would say, the answer is clear…
There are things awaiting you beyond your wildest imagination.
This is what is supposed to happen for you.
This is your next best step. Trust.
You have only begun.
You are the only you. You cannot be replaced.
You are more powerful than you realize.
You have always been able to depend on yourself. That won’t stop now.
Trust in your family and your partner. You are not alone.
You are loved unconditionally. It is impossible to lose that.
Do I know it to be true that this will be rainbows and butterflies and serenity? No, I know I will be challenged in new ways and there will be moments of negative emotion and internal struggle. But I also know that when I believe the universe is friendly and loving and is urging and encouraging my growth, I am more vulnerable, I am more real, I am more authentic and I am more courageous in my action. And so far, when I embody those qualities, beautiful things start to happen in my life.
I am excited to see how this journey continues to unfold and how I discover new parts of myself in the process, how this move will teach me to move closer to that intuition, to that love and to my own unfolding. But I am no longer expecting it to be fear or pain free. They are a part of the path.
Thank you for being on this journey with me.
Rock On & Be Well,