This weekend, I realized with striking clarity that I am still very much a work in progress, a huge AHA! surfaced and I wanted to share it with you all. I have a sneaking suspicion you may be able to relate.
A friend of mine from my a Capella group in college posted a picture on Facebook. Yes, a Capella is beyond awesome and I have seen Pitch Perfect twice. He posted a picture of me from a campus newspaper from around ten years ago. I was playing Dolly in Hello Dolly in the big annual musical and he had taken a picture of the old newspaper he found and posted some shots o a run-through. He posted it in celebration, exclaiming how much he had loved it but my initial reaction was utter horror. The picture was not flattering. My face was contorted in a strange way as I was mid-song, but even more humiliating was my size and seeing it made me want to melt into my seat.
What most of my friends and clients don’t realize is that I too, really struggled with being overweight. At the time that photo was taken, ten years ago, I was fifty pounds larger than I am right now. I don’t readily divulge that to my clients. I tell them about internal struggles with food as an actress but I certainly don’t show them the pictures of Beth at her heaviest. As soon as I saw it, I wanted the picture down, away from the public eye. I started to panic. Could I untag myself? Does that look vain?
What if my clients were to see it and think I’m fat NOW?! I mean, we are getting into serious fear-based-illogical thoughts here. When it came down to it, I realized, I wanted to pretend that girl never existed.
Here’s the funny thing. When I played Dolly, it was one of the best experiences of my life! I scored the role after four years of hard work in the theater department, and I wasn’t even a musical theater girl! My family still talks about it. Forget the much more reputable gigs I scored down the road, Dolly goes down in history. Nothing has been able to compare. My entire town came with my mother. Dad drove the 3 hours twice, once by himself, and once with his entire extended family. I felt on top of the world, in my first lead in a musical, wearing big, awesome, crazy, sparkly costumes and hats, dancing, getting to SING! It was pure heart expansion. And to be honest, at the time, during college, I wasn’t worried about my body. I was concerned with having fun, with drinking, with friends, late night gatherings in dorm rooms with chicken parmesan sandwiches and with who I was flirting with at the Sports Bar on Thursday nights. It was perhaps one of the only times up until that point in my life where my body wasn’t really something I was concerned with. I felt beautiful. I felt sexy. Too much beer, too much fun and not understanding nutrition led me to balloon up, but I was happy. I was really happy. AND to boot, I got more male attention at that time in my life than I have any other time.
Now, I looked at the remnants from the incredible time in my life like evidence of a crime, and I was horrified at the size of my face. I was illogically afraid of being judged, or people saying “Was that really Beth? She was huuuuge!” and I have to say, I’m ashamed of my reaction. Now, I want to protect that girl from my fear-based reaction. I want to celebrate her.
That younger girl was beautiful. She was fearless and committed. She was flawed and had a lot to learn but she is actually one of my favorite versions of myself. At a point, she wound up wanting different things. She wanted to feel differently in her body. She gave me that signal, and together, we went on a journey to help her get what she wanted. I learned from mistakes. I grew. I tried different things, grew, changed, learned, sat in confusion for a while, grew and now I teach. I coach people how to love themselves, and as a result, lose the excess weight that is holding them down from living their best life. I eventually wound up being where I am now, in a place I wouldn’t change for anything. So, if anything, I owe a lot to her. I owe her a lot of damn respect. And love. I owe her love.
I have spoken about self-love a lot in my profession, and when I saw that picture, my fear caused me to rely on a old habit. That habit is to hide my vulnerability and to put my best face forward; the perfect Beth, the Beth that has it all figured out and rises above all her demons.
However, we rise above our demons by engaging them and questioning their motives, not locking them in the basement. When we get underneath the anger, our demons are usually exhausted children crying out for acceptance. It doesn’t help to hide them or pretend they aren’t there but rather, to listen to their pleas. CLICK TO TWEET.
If you struggle with self-love, which we ALL do, it is part of the human experience
and part of our growth, start by saying hello to the demons and the nasty thoughts.
They have limited language, and it is our job to translate for them so we can hear the underlying messages. Choose to challenge them, as I did with mine. CLICK TO TWEET.
In my case, the underlying message was, “Accept all of yourself Beth. Accept the fat Beth. Accept the scared and flawed Beth. Accept the mean and judgmental Beth. Accept all of her.” I’m still working on it.
I write this to let you know that I am a work in progress, just as you are. I write you this to let you know that in order to love ourselves, we must start with what we have the most resistance to loving. It is easy to love the “good parts.” It is time to mine the gifts in the darkness.
I will start by sharing my vulnerability and encouraging you to do the same, here’s the pic people. I love that girl.
ACTION STEPS–
1) Complete this writing exercise.
What part of yourself would prefer stay hidden?
What part of you causes you to feel shame?
What are the good parts about this part of yourself?
What are the nasty thoughts and self-judgement trying to tell you when you start to translate the language?
2) Share this post with someone who you feel might benefit.
We’re all in this human experience together. Help others grown by leaning into your own growth.
Rock On and Be Well,
Beth
Well well Hello Dolly! You look gorgeous! Thank you Beth for posting the photo with your story! great lessons for me and great writing exercise. Thank you for including writing exercise/ action step. Very grateful to you. Love Susan
Beth you inspire me, for reals. This is truly a touching share and insight.
That post is why I love you!
Awww…thanks Ryan! Hope you are well man!
Well done! Your vulnerability is inspiring . . .
I was in a motorcycle accident just before my 19th birthday (I’m 58) that left my left leg mangled and 2″ shorter. I’ve overcome most physical challenges but it’s the mental ones I still struggle with a bit. I’ve never had a weight problem and have actually been chided by people who think I have no idea what it means to struggle with body issues. I don’t like to throw my story out as an example but it’s tempting. Bottom line is that we all struggle in some form. You can’t tell just by looking at someone what their experience is and has been. To judge anyone based on appearance is shortchanging our lives. I’ve missed tremendous opportunities to know people because I’ve steered clear of them based on appearances.
Several years ago we took my (then) 10 year-old son to meet a homeless person after a lengthy conversation about judging people based on appearance and circumstances. The first homeless man we met was about 30 years old and was sleeping alongside an outdoor/camping gear store in a small shopping center. We approached him gently and asked permission to speak to him. We got a good ‘sense’ from him so sat down to talk . . . it was an amazing experience. He was/is an amazing human being with more gratitude about life than anyone I’ve known. We bought him dinner and a warm sleeping bag and tried to give him money ~ he would not accept the money and told us to give it to someone that “was really in need”. My son walked away with another viewpoint that night . . .
Noticing we judge is the first step to shifting our attitude. Judgement is often fear and the fear is often about ourselves and what if people really knew who we were . . .
I don’t look at or focus on my scars. Instead I focus on the lessons I’ve learned from the experience and how appreciative I am of the ability to walk! I still find that I compare myself with others but generally turn it around to appreciate our differences and where I might improve if I feel envy. I strive to be compassionate and loving and tolerant of when I’m not my best self. It’s a lifelong learning process . . .
Thank you so much for sharing all of this! Yes, we all have our vulnerabilities, and they can vary, like snowflakes, but when we come down to it, our relationship with our body is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves. Once we get real with that, everything else tends to fall into place:)
I have felt the same way, as the other gal who is in the pic. I lost a lot of weight since college and since becoming a wife, mother and professional have gained a lot of it back. My old pics when I was at my heaviest I have hidden on facebook, but just like you said and now as I reflect back on it, the people that I met through theater and doing these performances with them helped me find myself and give me confidence and happiness.
Great post, Beth. Nice blog.
Dominique! So good to see your name on here lady! First off, thanks for not being mad for publishing your picture! Secondly, thank you for being brave and owning your feelings and thoughts and helping other women do the same. Congrats on all the abundance that has come into your life. You are courageous, sharing your feelings about the changing relationship with your body as life ebbs and flows. You rock sister.
I remember seeing you in Dolly–you were gorgeous and spectacular.
Kathleen! I still have the card you gave me. One of the best I ever received. I am so lucky to have such kick-ass women in my life. Thanks for reading and for supporting. Love you girl.