I can tell you my exact weight for every week this century. I actually have an Excel spreadsheet that I obsessively analyzed each week for weight fluctuations. I can quickly tell you the week of my highest weight (April 25, 2003) and my lowest (right now, thank you very much). I like data, but this intense fixation on the numbers on the scale did little in helping me achieve my life health and fitness goals. I tried every fad diet and exercise program. The liquid diet? Did it – lost a lot a weight and then put it all back on (plus more) when I went back to solid food. Meal delivery programs? Tried a few – only my wallet got skinner. Weight Watchers? I enrolled hoping that the shame of another person seeing my actual weight every week would motivate me. It didn’t. With exercise, I’ve run, spun, and rowed. I tried CrossFit and fell the first class [ended up with 2 plates and 11 pins in my wrist].
Finally, I had had enough. I broke down and acknowledged that I needed help. And I HATE asking for help. I realized that no “new” exercise program or extreme diet was going to resolve the battle I was having with my body. That’s when I started to work with Beth. Our collaboration involved steps both big and small. All of them, though, sustainable for life. This is not a short term quick fix solution. This is a life change.
Beth and I spent a lot of our time together working on letting go of the “all or nothing” and the “good or bad” notions when it came to my relationship with food. The process wasn’t always linear. Sometimes it felt like one step back for every two steps forward – but that still meant forward motion! At the conclusion of our time together, we took a moment to reflect and review my progress. I was beyond thrilled that so many of goals I had articulated during our first session had been achieved or were in the process of being completed.
So what made the difference? Talking with Beth. And going deeper by talking with her some more. Then taking action. For years – decades even – I’d had that inner dialogue, that conversation with myself about my weight and my food choices but it became clear, in my conversations with Beth, the judgment went beyond my waist and went directly my sense of worth. I was feeling unworthy and unseen. It wasn’t about the food. Okay, it was about the food, but it wasn’t (know what I mean?).
Not long before I met Beth, I read my first Brené Brown book (“Daring Greatly”). Dr. Brown encourages us all to enter the arena. To be vulnerable. I enjoy vulnerability as much as I enjoy asking for help – two sides of the same coin to me – I HATE IT! But Beth encouraged, coached, and challenged me to be vulnerable and for that I will be forever grateful.
I still feel Beth’s guidance everyday. I feel fantastic. I’m physically and spiritually lighter than before I met her. My body has changed. More importantly my relationship with my body has changed. We used to be frenemies. Now we are in the dating phase. I’m still working on the love part – it takes time to unravel decades of inner conflict. I also feel fully seen by the people I care most about in the world. That is lightness, that is joy, that is happiness.