Theo, Actor + Mother

 

Theo“I now feel brave. I feel courageous. I feel hopeful. These are things I didn’t know could be a part of my new normal. I feel healthy and strong. I feel purposeful – my day isn’t a series of victimizations; it’s not a collection of accidents and failures. I make choices. I trust myself to make choices. I feel joy, in addition to heartache. I feel whole, in addition to being afraid. I am most proud of inviting everything in.”

Before working with Beth I felt at sea. That’s really the only way I can think of to describe it. I was at a truly bizarre crossroads. My father had just died, and I was a walking cliche – taking stock of my relationship with my daughter, my partner, and for the first time Ina long time, with myself. I was dissatisfied. And scared. There were any number of things that I knew about nutrition and exercise on a purely academic, intellectual level, but putting that knowledge into practice felt like an impossibility. Because at the end of the day, I just didn’t believe that I was worth it.

I struggled to nourish myself in any way. In fact, I excelled at punishment – with cigarettes, with skipping meals, with copious amounts of caffeine, with complete and total avoidance of anything that might be good for me, let alone anything I would enjoy. I felt incredible pressure to meet the impossible standards I had set for myself, as a mother, as an actor, as a person – and when I failed to meet those standards, I had even more ammunition, even more proof of all the reasons I needed to be punished, needed to be harmed, needed to be neglected.

My biggest challenge was eating food in a meaningful way. After a long history of disordered eating, I had reached a kind of equilibrium after having my daughter but I still viewed food as something that other people deserved, because they were good or successful or beautiful or gifted – I was broken, and that meant that skipping meals and surviving on coffee and cigarettes was what I had coming to me. My relationship with my body was akin to being enemies and I felt more comfortable using it as a punching bag, and avoiding any kind of connection with it. I didn’t want to have to get to know my body, or accept it, or befriend it – the inherent responsibility in that kind of relationship seemed overwhelming. That said, it made it very difficult to have a relationship with anything else. My love for my daughter, my love for my partner, my love for my work – they were compromised, and driven by fear and guilt and apology.

I have noticed I now make time for myself, not because Beth told me to, but because I WANT time for myself, I feel worthy of that gift. Whether it’s a half hour and a cup of coffee or a yoga class or a movie I take myself to – every day, little by little (and sometimes in leaps and bounds) I believe I deserve to take care of myself.   I have noticed I now make choices based on what I want, what I need, rather than what I think will most please the people in my universe. I speak my truth without apology, and I honor my feelings without judging them or trying to manipulate in to something more palatable.

Since working with Beth, I now feel profoundly self-aware. There were extraordinarily painful stories that I was living with (about who I was, what I deserved and what the rest of my life would look like), every moment of every day. These stories whisper now, instead of raging at the top of their lungs. And when they whisper, I whisper back. I remind myself that it’s just a story, and I thank my heart for trying so hard to keep me safe, and I ask it to open up just a little but more – to step into the fear, to lean in to the difficulty, and trust that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Because I am a beautiful work in progress.

I now feel brave. I feel courageous. I feel hopeful. These are things I didn’t know could be a part of my new normal. I feel healthy and strong. I feel purposeful – my day isn’t a series of victimizations; it’s not a collection of accidents and failures. I make choices. I trust myself to make choices. I feel joy, in addition to heartache. I feel whole, in addition to being afraid. I am most proud of inviting everything in – because all of it is valid, and worthwhile, and useful. I am most proud of learning to listen to all of myself, not just the parts I’ve crafted over time out of necessity.

What I want you to know about working with Beth is that if nutrition is the primary concern, she will give you all the tools you need to reconnect to your body and your health in an extraordinary way. Recipes, new food suggestions, dietary brilliance – these things abound. What is REMARKABLE about working with Beth, is that this isn’t the only thing she offers. At the end of a program with Beth, you may very well weigh less, and have more energy, and feel extremely healthy based on a new and exciting relationship to purposeful eating habits – I certainly do. But it’s more than that. She takes a particular kind of journey with you, based on what you need, what you’re asking for – she gives you the space and the breath to unearth a self worthy of celebration; a self that was there all along, but that had been forgotten.

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